Seeking rest

I went to my home health job last night and knew the client was dying. I couldn't cope. I can't cope well with situations I cannot do anything about. The lack of control kills me. My own limitations do as well. I couldn't really even provide comfort for the family members. I could pray and did quietly. I am reminded of my son's situation 10 years ago. Same thing. Other than prayer, there was little I could do. Nothing to keep him out of prison. Only go through it. I did pray, and maybe that stopped the bullet that would have killed him in a suicide attempt. He is alive now and well, working and trying to rebuild his life. Life is complicated and more than we know. I wish I did it better.

Thank you, Lord, that it really doesn't depend on us entirely. Flesh is too weak for much. But You conquered sin and death. Help us rest in the knowledge.

Still working...

I believe I am done with this piece.  I'm just trying to get as much completed to investigate procedure as I can possibly do.

I am working in home health care which I can say is not a strength or a gift of mine. I'm far too impatient. This morning I left a job because I felt unqualified. It was a blow to me. Lately so many things seem to be going that way. Not so many, but I'm a very responsible person and maybe that was a way to be responsible. Point is, my confidence is suffering. The art helps that because I know it is a gift from God, I know deep down in my heart it is something I love, even though now I struggle. I have to trust that exercising what I love and what He has given me is pleasing to Him. I praise Him for the gift I have and I trust that it will grow as I work it.

continuing to work

Still wet and ripply from painting.

Not quite the daily...

I was determined to write daily as an exercise in brain health and as a gratitude journal. I didn't quite make it the last few days. I've had to resolve something within myself. I feel like I'm working a dead-end job with no point, which isn't true. Caring for people who cannot care for themselves has a point. You are there for that person no matter where they are in life. To think what I wrote is to see it all from a totally selfish vantage point. At the same time my life feels very empty. So I've determined to paint and draw again as much as possible to secure representation if I can and sell work. Without something to hope for and be working toward, I'm not happy. Maybe it is just a matter of wanting something badly enough. I don't know. My eyes are a problem. I have dry eye and working for hours on end is hard. But I tell myself if I were at a job that required me to use the computer for hours like I used to, I'd have the same problem. So, I'm investigating every help and every solution, not taking it lying down because I can't for my own mental health. Here's the latest, and I thank God I have a way to make money on journey and still want to paint...not sure if it is done, but this is what is:

John 1:16-17

"For out of His (Christ) fullness (abundance) we all received-all had a share and we were all supplied with-one grace after another and spiritual blessing upon spiritual blessing, and even favor upon favor and gift (heaped) upon gift.

For while the Law was given through Moses, grace-unearned, undeserved favor and spiritual blessing-and truth came through Jesus Christ."

A friend sent me this scripture yesterday, and it actually led me to the book of First John because I read the reference incorrectly. Still, that is where I needed to go and what I needed to read. In First John the connection is made about the love of God being connected to the love of others, specifically other Christians-how can we say we love God if we don't love other people. Jesus was the original lover of people, as is witnessed by what was sent to me. He gave to ALL of us, every spiritual blessing. He gave. I have had a very hard time connecting with God's love-it still seems remote to me, but then you read something like this and I wonder how do I experience this? It seems so wonderful and there is no doubt God longs to and has given us so much. The answer I think is in loving others. I tend to be so isolationist. But then life falls flat. When we live only with and for ourselves excluding other people, maybe not in a defensive way, but what seems to suit our natural personality, we lose out. We cannot experience what we cannot give. And this was given to us for free.

Thank you, Lord, for having the prescription to what ails us and for your personal care for each of us in so many ways. I need to extend that care to others.

recording the process

Next step-I have to keep building on what I've done and blending the materials with each step.

continuing

Not sure how I feel about this yet...